Monday, October 22, 2012

How Much is Too Much?

I love journals. Pretty, fun, funky, pristine books, just waiting to be filled with my (admittedly atrocious) handwriting. My most intimate thoughts. I inevitably write for a few days, then stop, then write in fits for a few days here and there, and then the journal ends up in a drawer or box somewhere in my house. Rinse and repeat.

This blog began as a new kind of journal for me. I thought I might write more if I could type instead of writing. I thought it might encourage me to say the things I wanted to say, if I could publish them (relatively) anonymously. Then the blog evolved, and it's no longer anonymous. Not that I have any great following; in fact, I'm only sure of one person who reads regularly. But that's not the point.

There are things I'd like to write about, things that are dark and painful. I'd like to release some of that ugliness from my heart and mind, even if that means putting it back out into the universe. But, even for a ridiculously open person like me, it's too personal to write on an open blog. It might be too personal to write on a blog at all. I haven't decided yet.

I'm thinking about taking this blog private. In some ways, I like the idea. I can write what I want, and control who has access to it. But part of the reason I want to write about some of the ugly things I've experienced is the hope that I can help someone. If the blog is private, no random person will ever be able to read it. So, then, what's the point? And, if I'm writing it just for me, why allow anyone to read it? Why not just keep a hand-written journal and release these experiences there?

Sigh...what do you think? How much is too much for a public blog?

Friday, October 19, 2012

Call Me a Quitter

It's been 12 days since I had a cigarette.

I'm not ready to call myself a non-smoker yet, and in fact I think it'll be a very long time before I'm ready to say that. I'm superstitious, you know, and I quit for a year once before (when I was 25). Maybe when I get to 18 months I'll feel ok saying I'm a former smoker. We'll see.

But I'm starting to feel like I've really quit smoking. Don't get me wrong - I'm still having cravings, and it's still hard as hell to get through them sometimes, especially when I'm stressed. It feels good, though, to have gotten through every craving for 12 days without a single slip-up. And every day that passes is easier than the one before it, because I sure don't want to have to start the clock all over again.

So...yeah...I guess you can call me a quitter.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

It's a Weird One, Charlie Brown

Today is a weird day.

My cravings are better, but I still *reeeeeeeeally* want a cigarette.

J. is having a meltdown because the cable is out in our bedroom and office. I think the boxes just need to be reset, but he's convinced that our service has been disconnected, even though the living room tv is working just fine. Sigh. I'll deal with that when I get home, I guess.

I want to figure out when The Great Pumpkin is going to be on tv, but I always forget to look. Last year, I missed it altogether, and it's my favorite Charlie Brown movie!

Someone just turned in a $100 bill that was dropped in the hallway right outside our office. If no one claims it by end of day tomorrow, I'm going to split it with my coworker. I'm crossing my fingers that no one claims it, but also hoping that whoever dropped it won't be too devastated by the loss of $100.

I still really want a cigarette.

Sigh.

Is it time to go home yet?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

On the Clock

3 days, 6 hours, and 34 minutes...

That's how long it's been since I've had a cigarette.

Yesterday, and all of this morning, it was pretty much all I could think about. My coworker came into the office after smoking, and it smelled so good. But I resisted. This afternoon, I don't feel irritable and the craving isn't as strong. Mostly I just feel tired and glad that it's almost time to go home.

One of the hardest parts about this is that I don't *want* to quit smoking. I *like* smoking. Purely for health reasons, I've wanted to quit for the last two years, but I just didn't have the balls to do it. I'd dance around it, make plans, etc., but I never made a serious effort. After the health scare I had this past week, it has to be done.

Every time I have a bad craving, I remind myself how afraid I was when I was driving to the doctor on Monday, thinking that I had two blood clots in my arm. How I thought for sure he was going to hospitalize me, and I was going to have to have an IV - which is pretty much the scariest idea in the world to me. Remembering that fear has gotten me through the worst of the cravings, and I hope it will continue to do so.

As much as I enjoy smoking, and I don't want to quit, I'm ready. I want to call myself a former smoker. I want to get to the 1 week mark...the 1 month mark...the 1 year mark.

3 days, 6 hours, and 47 minutes...