Thursday, May 5, 2011

Day Eleven

My dose of venlafaxine increased from 75 mg to 150 mg today. A little over four hours since I took my meds, I’m a bit queasy, which is normal. I felt this way when I started the med, and it passed in about 24 hours. I expect this will, too. I can also feel the effects mentally, although it’s a very difficult feeling to describe. I think the best way to say it is: I feel out-of-focus. Like I’m not fully present in my body and what’s going on around me. This should also pass in a day or so.

As far as what effect the venlafaxine is having on my depression, it’s too early to tell, although I’m still optimistic. Doctors often tell patients that anti-depressant medication may take weeks to begin working, but it has never taken that long for me. Maybe it’s a placebo effect, but I’ve always felt some relief within a week of starting medication. This time has been no different. Obviously, I’m not cured, but I’m beginning to have periods of time when I feel much more normal. So far, it only lasts a few minutes to an hour, but it’s progress.

I’m still battling afternoon drowsiness, but I expect that to continue until I’ve been on a steady dose for several weeks. I’m managing it with extra breaks from my desk, even just to walk around the office, and extra caffeine, though I’m trying not to overdo that. I’ve been going to bed even earlier than normal, and I’m planning to take it easy again this weekend.

J. has been wonderful through all this; he’s patient with my anxiety and neediness and is always willing to comfort me (even if he doesn’t really understand why I need comforting at that moment). I’m not quite sure how I’ve gone through this alone in the past, especially considering I’m better off now than at any previous point when I’ve sought treatment. One of the symptoms of my depression is crippling insecurity, and I have the little voice in the back of my mind telling me that J. will leave me if I don’t get my shit together. That no man wants a wife who has no control over her emotions. That my anxiety and insecurity are pushing him away. I know those things are absolutely not true. But those feelings feed on each other, and a tiny spark can quickly become a raging bonfire in my mind. Luckily, J. loves me enough to be patient with my craziness; we both know I won’t be like this forever, which helps a lot during the bad times.

I'm scheduled for ten days at this dose; I’ll move up to 225 mg on May 15. I'll post an update then, if nothing changes before.


RoseAnn said...

{{{Hugs}}} I'm proud of you for getting help and for sharing your journey.

Carol said...

Thanks, RoseAnn. I've been through this so many times, and I hate the stigma attached to depression (and mental illness in general). I'm always willing to talk about it, in the hopes that it will help someone else. But it's nice to have this platform where I can talk without *talking*. ;)