Thursday, May 12, 2011

Day Eighteen

Think “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” … I FEEL BETTER!!!

I really, really do. Today is my 8th day at 150 mg, and I have noticed dramatic improvement this week. The severe afternoon drowsiness has passed. I have been much less irritable and less anxious. The biggest (and best) difference is that I actually feel able to function!

My normal routine is to run errands as I can through the week, so we have less to do on the weekend. I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t doing that; it was all I could do just to go to work and home again. But this week I’ve managed to accomplish several things. I’m not talking about major chores: dropping a box at UPS, buying gas before the tank is dry, and going to the library are not a huge deal. But those little errands add up when you have to do all of them on the weekend. And I love that I feel like doing these things. Not only does it show me that I truly am getting better, but it allows me to feel like I’m contributing to our household, instead of leaving everything for J.

The thing about depression is that feeling lousy makes you feel lousy. When depression sets in, it’s really easy to beat yourself up:

“Why didn’t I do that laundry today?”

“I didn’t return mom’s phone call again!”

“The deadline on that project is looming, and it’s not even close to finished.”

For most people, a day with depression is like riding a wave, with high points and low points. When my depression was uncontrolled, my lows were during the day, and my mood would improve at night. I’d spend the evening alternately beating myself up for the things I didn’t do that day and making big plans for all the things I’d accomplish the next day. But the next morning, I’d wake up and not be able to get out of bed. It feeds on itself.

The good thing is that the reverse is also true: feeling better makes you feel better. Being able to cross things off my to-do list feels good. Getting more done at work because I’m not drowsy all afternoon feels good. Feeling less irritable and not snapping at J. feels good. Having the energy to play with the cats when I get home feels good. And all those good feelings feed on each other, too.

Still…I’m not 100% better. My dose increases to 225 mg on Sunday. I considered not increasing, but I’m still having enough symptoms that I think it’s necessary. However, I’m hoping that 225 mg will be a stable dose for me. The last time I was medicated, I was on 300 mg of Effexor, which is a fairly high dose. I’ve lost 50 pounds since then, and based on the way I feel now, I think 225 mg may be just perfect.

Stay tuned…

2 comments:

RoseAnn said...

This post makes me so happy for you! How can you go wrong when you lead with a Monty Python quote? ;)

I hope the 225 is the perfect dose for you right now.

Carol said...

Thanks, RoseAnn. I appreciate that you're following along on this journey with me. It helps to have your support. :)