Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Facing My Mortality

T minus 4 days and 34 minutes until I'm officially 35 years old.

The idea that I'm turning 35 has been nagging at me.

I couldn't figure out why; I believe that age is just a number. I thought I'd get over it. Turning 29 bothered me a great deal, but by the time I turned 30, I was fine. But this time, the feeling only got worse, and last night I figured it out. I'm twice the age I was when I met J. And if I live to be twice the age I am now, I'll be 70.

70!

But...I was just 17!!!

And THAT is what's been bothering me - time is passing way, way too fast. I touched on it
here, but I didn't fully understand then how much the idea was affecting me. It's not that I'm afraid to get old, or afraid to die (although I'm sure those fears will start coming up before too many more birthdays pass). I'm afraid of running out of time. There's so much I want to do! In the last 17 years, I crossed very few things off the list. Life got in the way. And I'm terrified that in another 17 years, I'll look back and say exactly the same thing. I'll be 52 then, which is still young, if you're in good health. But I've never taken care of myself, so I may not be in good health then. Hell, I may get hit by a bus next week. I need to figure out what is important to me and make it happen. Now.

2 comments:

RoseAnn said...

I know you didn't just start blogging but it feels new to me since you just shared it!

I think it's normal to worry about the things we haven't done. Don't let it paralyze you though; let it motivate you!

And the years between 17 and 34 are much different than between 34 and 52, IMO. At 17, you're still figuring some basic things out. Once you settle in to yourself, that's when you have to start expecting more! ;) And that sounds like growing up so you can feasibly put it off for quite some time. LOL

OutsidetheLinez said...

Now that's you've made it to 35, how does it feel? I hit that magic number back in February and I didn't like it one bit. Still doesn't feel right. I just pretend I'm 29. :)