Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Blessings

On Saturday, I had dinner with friends for my birthday. It had already been a wonderful day, but as I looked around the table, I was humbled by what I saw. There were two women who have been my friends for ten years, who were with me when I met my first husband, got engaged, got married, and got divorced. I have been through so much with these women - and still, here they are. Also in attendance were my wonderful sister-in-law and her husband. This is the first time we've done anything with them socially (family holidays excluded), and I hope it was the first of many. Sitting across from me was a new friend, one I hope will be a close, long-term friend.

And right next to me, where he is always, was J. I simply cannot fathom what I did to deserve the gift of *this* husband. And I don't really even know how to put into words how I feel about him. There aren't words for emotions like this.

My husband protects me. He puts my interests above his own. He calms me, down to the deepest part of my soul. He makes me laugh. He is loyal, faithful, devoted. He loves me unconditionally.

I've never felt that I could truly be myself, all the time, with another person. J. changed that. Even when I'm bitter, or grumpy, or just plain nasty and ugly...he loves me. I can tell him anything, and it will not change the way he sees me. J. and I were talking last night, and I shared something I'd been afraid to: that I still have sadness about my divorce. I would not trade anything for J. If it took going through all I did to get here, then it was absolutely worth it. But still...there is sadness. I was afraid it would make J. wonder if I really loved him, or doubt my commitment to him, or make him wonder if I only chose him because he was available. But it didn't. He likes that I took my first marriage so seriously. After all, if I was capable of not caring that my first marriage failed, how seriously could I possibly take this marriage?

The thing is, I didn't choose J. And he didn't choose me. We were always meant to be here, now, together. I know that as surely as I know anything. We are not perfect. We argue, and we make mistakes, and we have bad days. But we are both completely committed to each other; this marriage is not taken lightly or for granted, ever. And that makes us perfect for each other.

I see people who think that *things* are valuable, that it matters even the tiniest bit to have a fancy car or house, or expensive handbags and jewelry. And sure, those things are nice. But they don't matter. I would trade every material possession I have to keep these people in my life always.

I am blessed beyond all measure.

1 comment:

OutsidetheLinez said...

You two have something that many people look their whole lives for. All relationships must be maintained and cared for; nurtured. But it should never ever feel like a chore or job. You and J have that part right... everything else just falls into place after that. I'm beyond happy for you. So glad you finally made it "home" in every sense of the word.