Thursday, March 3, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

When I began writing this blog, I wanted a place to vent. I didn't really care if anyone read it; it was all for me. Since I'm frustrated to madness by most people, I called the blog "I Don't Need Anger Management...I need people to stop pissing me off." But in looking back at what I've written over the last six months, and in thinking a great deal about where my life has been, where I am right now, and what I see in my future, I've realized that's not me anymore.

There may still be plenty of occasions when I desperately need anger management, but I'm beginning to see myself differently. Between 2005 and 2009, I got kicked around by life. A lot. There were times I was in the lowest place a person can be, perilously close to giving up. I was in so much pain, I'd have given anything to go to sleep and not wake up. The only thing that kept me from attempting suicide is that things were going so wrong in my life that I believed I'd screw up the attempt and end up in even worse shape.

Somehow, I held on to hope. I think most of it was stubbornness. Things were SO. FUCKING. BAD. It had to get better. It just had to. And it did, eventually. I learned so many things about myself during that time, and even though I'm a big enough person to admit that some of them are things I'd rather not know, it's all a part of who I am.

I got through it. And look where I am now: married to the love of my life, close with good friends who love me, and working in a job I love for a great boss. There's a lot of love in that sentence, and in my life. I am happy. More than that, I am content. I went through so much awfulness. To get through it, and to believe that things would change, I'd have to be a glutton for hope.

Glutton: a person with a remarkably great desire or capacity for something

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best

So, am I "a person with a remarkably great capacity for the feeling that events will turn out for the best" ?

Yes. Yes, I am. Therefore, we are moving from to Stay tuned...

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